Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy from Pexels
My self pleasure session this morning started with the desire to cum, to relieve the pressure built up from erotic experiences and from life. This week has been filled with pool parties, clients, and family. Anticipating another big get-together this afternoon, I wanted to take care of myself to not be stressed. I can be present for others much more easily when I have my deepest needs and desires met. I’m so grateful I did!
I began my time with light touch over my entire body. This is how I’ve learned to turn my whole self on. Doing this is a special treat as many times when I masturbate, it is a means to an end, and I don’t focus on enjoying the journey due to lack of time. Put on porn and create friction. Done.
Touching myself, stroking all over my body, teasing my genitals – all feels so good and also indulgent.
Why indulgent? It’s what I and many of us have been taught to do to a lover, not ourselves. Caressing, pressing, touching for the simple enjoyment of the feel of being touched. And ‘teasing’ I used to wonder – how can I tease myself? I used to think it’s like tickling myself – almost impossible. With practice and mindfulness, I’ve learned how to touch myself in such a way that it feels like a tease, which has my body respond as though it is being teased. Teasing is so important to me because it allows time for anticipation to build up physically. It’s this passage of time with the teasing that makes me feel genuinely ready for friction.
After caressing my entire body, I then approach my pussy. Going lightly. Using my left hand. Staying on the outside for a long time, massaging my labia and all around my clit until I’m ready for direct clitoral stimulation. I apply lube to lightly caress my inner labia and clit hood, leading up to touching my clit. Using strokes I learned from orgasmic meditation on myself. Staying with myself. Staying focused on sensations as thoughts and memories from this last week meandered through my mind.
Recalling yesterday, the first time in a long time someone tried to shame me for being a sex worker and polyamorous. Feeling that pang of doubt and fear. I did not ask for his feedback. It came after I posted my video about wanting to help women have a better relationship with their pussy. I’m expanding outside my safe bubble of people who know and love me. Feeling that sharp energy, I decided to incorporate it into my sex, a technique I learned from practicing energetic sex with Monique Darling and Lawrence Lanoff. Taking in the energy of the thing and transmuting it for my pleasure. The turn-on in my body increased. I started massaging my vulva with my whole hand, energetically “fucking the hater”. This had me crack up because I’m sure that’s not the context he was thinking of our connection happening. He was wanting me to fuck him in another way!
With the release of that negativity and a new level of arousal, memories of my erotic encounters of the week started coming to mind even more vividly. Fabulous experiences with clients on the erotic spectrum from sweet to incredibly intense. Experiences with people in my private life where we are exploring different levels of intimacy and connection with each other that are so delicious. I love the variety. I noticed how my mind was, in a way, looking to hook on to one person or another and decided no, I want to hook onto myself, my higher self or true self. I bounced my mind back and forth from remembered experiences to the moment at hand, so to speak, and my body opened even more.
Waiting until my pussy opens and calls in penetration is also so good and against my training to please a man. Old thoughts stop me “it takes too long, I can just use lube, I’ll get turned on soon, so why make him wait?” Things like that, compromising my pleasure for his. Making my sex primarily about his pleasure. When I have the time to open and have the desire build, then everything feels better, sweeter, and more electric.
As I feel the inside of myself and a thought about my ex strolls through my mind, I pause and take the time to breathe and hold myself. I keep my left hand on my vulva, fingers curled into the opening of my vaginal canal, holding myself so securely, I can feel my pubic bones in my hand. My right hand on my heart. I breathe and feel, and rather than going down the rabbit hole of grief, I focus on the sensation of being held and safe. I breathe and relax and feel the sensations of being touched and held in the most intimate and caring way possible. My arousal builds, and I want more internal stimulation, more pressure, and the feeling of being full.
I get my dildo and add lube to it. And I go slow, again teasing myself, the way I like to be teased with a cock when I’m with a lover. Drawing the tip of the dildo from my pubic bone down to the opening of my vulva, dipping it in a bit, then pulling it out to feel it slide up and across my clitoris.
I repeat this motion many times, penetrating a bit deeper with every stroke until finally, I’m feeling the dildo all the way in stretching my vaginal canal. I alternate between clitoral stimulation and using the dildo for vaginal stimulation, giving myself lots of variety.
I could feel my body shift as I got into the climax zone. I slowed my activities. My mind wanted to go into fantasy as I have a habit of doing when I need to cum quick and use porn. I decided no, today I wanted to practice being free of that hook and again be connected to my true self. I gave myself time to enjoy being on the edge, giving myself stimulation to increase arousal but being careful to relax and enjoy too. As I felt myself get so close to climax that anything I did would make me go over the edge, I rhythmically pumped the dildo in and out of my pussy with my left hand and gave my clit firm circles with the right. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of going over the edge, feeling my muscles spasm, and the pleasure run through my entire body.
As my climax passed, my heart space felt so open, and tears came to my eyes. This has happened with lovers before when post-climax, in each other’s arms, I feel a drop, and I cry. This is the first time I experienced it from loving myself. And I realized that I was crying simply because I felt so good. The whole experience had given me such a sense of love and relief. I let myself lay and soak in that energy for a bit, feeling so grateful that I am able to have experienced all these different sensations just now.
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See what the project is all about in this post Focusing On Female Pleasure, Confidence, Strength, and Power – (nikkilundberg.com)